Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Emmys. Yes, I do love my awards shows.

Well, the big ones anyway. I watch four awards shows religiously. (Can I say that in reference to watching awards shows? That I watch them "religiously?" Good thing no one reads these little rants as I'm sure that would offend someone.) Yes, now where was I? Four and four only: Oscars, Tonys, Grammys and the Emmys. (The Grammys are on the bubble for me next year. Too rude, too weird, too...just too fucking bizarre. "I know, let's cram every possible style of music into a a three hour show, throw in a bunch of  lasers during some country songs, a ton of smoke and special effects during, well, everything and make sure people accepting the awards are either drunk, ludicrously arrogant or completely incomprehensible. Wow! What a night!")

In every case, I've often thought that TV needs some theatre producers to figure out how to really put on a show that makes sense. Then of course, in the case of the Tony's, SOMEBODY needs to figure out how to present a representation of the "plays" that are nominated. Don't get me wrong, I love musicals, but straight plays need to be showcased too and the Tony productions have never been able to get that piece right. And can someone please hire a sound crew? For the last several years there has been miscues, microphone problems, bad mixing...I mean, if that were to happen during an actual Broadway play as often someone would get fired. People, PLEASE!

Generally, I enjoy the big four. Oh, sure, I complain after they are over. They are always uneven, someone goes on too long, someone doesn't go on long enough, something I think is shitty wins over things I think are awesome. Hey, it's an awards show, I'm okay with that and it's part of the fun.

But there's one thing that get me ranting every single time. Every time. When, let's say, a show wins for best drama series -- Does every single person even remotely affiliated with the show have to come up on stage? Really? REALLY? These televised awards shows, like the comedies and dramas and TV movies they honor, are television productions themselves. And pretty expensive ones. They have a sets and costumes and commercial breaks.  They have performers and lights and cameras. They have a time limit and and they have a budget they have a director. It is a big production. If a similar thing happened during the filming of "Mad Men" there would be all hell to pay! If John Hamm let his manager and agent and lawyer and make-up artist appear in every seen with him, they'd never get the show finished.

Oh and here's another thing: You guys all know how cameras work right? The camera is on the guy at the mic! Most of you aren't even making it onto our TV screens. It's ridiculous, it's selfish and it takes up too much time. Time that maybe we could give who have something to say. Time for another Jimmy Fallon bit. Time for a another clip or something. But, no, we have to sit at home, behind our TV trays, and watch 57 people we wold never recognize on the subway (or in a Subway) stumble, kiss, shake hands, and play grab ass on the way to a MCU of the producer giving a shitty thank you speech. Can it already. Let the producer get up there, accept the award, give his shitty speech alone and revel in the fact that you were part of something really special. My mother would have said, "Have some class."

It's not that I begrudge people the opportunity to take a bow for their work. That's what all the red carpet BS and the press conferences are for. The fans at home love to see their favorite shows and favorite actors win stuff. They just love to see their favorites get nominated. So don't waste their time -- give them the celebs, put a lid on the brass. Hey, producers, we ain't watching to hear you blather on. We wanna see George Clooney. Claire Danes. Like the TV shows and movies and theatre (okay, and music) you are supposed to be celebrating, end on a high note. Leave us wanting more. Don't leave us with the image of a bunch of people we don't know and then a quick cut to the host saying, "Goodnight, everybody."

This is, after all, Hollywood.