"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." -- Inigo Montoya

I gotta get better at creating headlines. This one seems a little long. As an entrepreneur, I've gotta get out of my comfort zone and find a mentor or a marketing pundit to help me solidify my personal brand and really get more concise.

Sometimes I get tired. Words, phrases, terms, vocabulary, jargon, slang. Sheesh. It's just too much. I used to get a little peeved. Okay, pissed. I had a high school teacher, Mr. Cooke, who was a stickler for this stuff. That's when it started. We had to stand in front of the class and conjugate verbs and do diction exercises.  I've never thought about it this way before, but he had a pencil thin mustache and wore bow ties. I also have similar facial hair and often sport a dicky bow. Hum, maybe more influence on me than I had originally thought. Anyway, he was the epitome of class. Always dressed to the nines, deep baritone voice and perfect diction. I do not recall him EVER dangling a single participle or misplacing a single eensy, weensy modifier. He also knew what words meant and how to use them.

Now, I'm nowhere near the master of wordplay that was my dear Cookie, but I do, on occasion, loose my shit. Usually, it's over stuff that just kinda gets my goat. Through no fault of the words themselves, we often take perfectly good ones and make them into things they are not. Worse, we make them meaningless. Here are a few examples of humans doing bad things to perfectly good words. Well, at least these are the ones that are pissing me off at the moment.

Entrepreneur. 

My Grandpa Atkin, if he were alive today, would probably call himself an entrepreneur. If you believe my mom, he'd also probably be in jail. He was a gold prospector, a cowboy,  an inventor, a peddler of snake oil and sewing machines. He was either stone broke or peeling off hundies to help a neighbor fix their Buick. It was a different world in the 40s and 50s of the Greatest Generation. People had to do a lot of different jobs in their life. That didn't make them entrepreneurial, it just made them work hard.

Apparently, everyone is a freaking entrepreneur these days. If you are between jobs, looking for a new job, in business for yourself, or just a perpetually under-employed actor in Hollywood, you probably call yourself an entrepreneur. You're not. You might be a businessperson. You're probably a hustler. That's cool. By calling yourself an "entrepreneur" you are implying that you possess qualities of leadership, true innovation, and risk-oriented initiative. If you have to call yourself that, you're probably not.  You also think too highly of yourself. Just get to work. Doing something.

Serial Entrepreneur.

No, really, that's a thing. Back in my grand-dad's day this guy would be called a "huckster." They'd be quacks, charlatans, swindlers, mountebanks. (Mountebank? Too much? Yeah, okay.) Unless your name is Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Edison, Benjamin Franklin, or Richard Branson you are probably not working hard enough to be even remotely referred to as a serial entrepreneur. You'd also have so much money you would need to worry about what people called you. When you finally can pry yourself away from your own genius, read Elmer Gantry by Sinclair Lewis. Or, if you are too busy re-inventing the banana slicer, just watch the movie version with Burt Lancaster. Now shut up and get over yourself.

Mentor. 

You know the etymology of the word, right? No? Okay, it goes like this: In Greek mythology, Mentor is a friend of Odysseus and a tutor of Telemachus. On several occasions in Homer's Odyssey, Athena assumes Mentor's form to give advice to Telemachus or Odysseus. See that part? Athena assumes Mentor's identity. She disguises herself as Mentor. Telemachus and Odysseus don't know that the person giving them advice is really Athena and NOT their mentor Mentor. They don't know. It is hidden from them. Disguised. See where I'm going here?Athena didn't want them to know that she was the one helping them.

Please don't call yourself mentor. It's supposed to be kind of a secret. You are supposed to teach people because it will help them. Let other people decide if you are their mentor. Believe me, it'll be better for you, too. Hearing someone refer to you as their mentor is way more meaningful than just crowning yourself one.

Pundit. 

A pundit used to be someone who was an expert in something. It hails from the Sankrit term "pandit," meaning "knowledge owner." An actual expert. With knowledge of and mastery in a particular subject. Nowadays anyone who speaks into a microphone is called a pundit. No one is required to have any real knowledge, they just have to have an opinion. There's a big difference. No, really, there is. Limbaugh, Beck, Hannity, O'Reilly. Really want to be up there with those guys? Didn't think so.

Product.

Everything is a product. A football game is a product. A credit card is a product. A restaurant is a product. Yeah, okay, maybe marketers smarter than me can make a case for the use of the word in these contexts but it just sounds ridiculous. Maybe I'm just jealous I wasn't the first guy to think of this. Face it, though, it's kinda pretentious. No one would say the Chicago Cubs are a terrible product. But they are a shitty team.

Personal Brand.

I hate this one. I understand, the world is changing and society is more dynamic and social media has changed the way we blahdy, blahdy, blah. I am not a brand. I'm a person. You are not a brand, either. No. You're not. You may have a reputation or you may have a certain style.  You may be known for a particular talent or expertise. You may even have a blog or some YouTube videos. You are a person and that is way more complicated than a brand.

Out of My Comfort Zone.

Here's the thing: Shouldn't we always try to do this? Shouldn't we always be pushing ourselves to experience, to grow, to explore, to discover? Those are big and challenging things. But for most people "being out of my comfort zone" has been reduced to trying a new vegetable or wearing sneakers with a tux. That's not right. That's not a big deal.

Transparency.

Okay, last one I promise. This one started out good and just went south fast. We all know what transparency means in a literal sense. Something transparent is something that is clear. We can see through it. What it has come to mean, thanks is large part to Wall Street, is "honesty." Whenever people start talking transparency in an office, for example, what they are really saying is "we want everyone to be honest and we are gonna make sure we are all up in your grill so we KNOW you are honest.

I'm done. Rant over.  Now, to write a better headline for my next post.

Wayne's Rules for Being a Great Boss

You are about to unlock the keys to being the best boss in the world. For free! That's right, you read that correctly. No, you can't buy these on TV. You don't have to buy the book or the DVD. Yes, they really are free. Best part? There's only FOUR of them. Easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy. There is one catch, however. You must practice them and believe them, because I've got news for you -- they work.

I've had a few bosses in my day. Been a boss. too. What happens too often on our capitalistic, money and success oriented society (oops, starting to get a little preachy) is that if we are fortunate enough to make our way up whatever corporate ladder we happen to be climbing, we start to believe our hype. We start to believe that we actually deserve the praises and the raises. We start thinking that we are entitled to people carrying out our directions because, somehow, we have been anointed as "in charge."

I've got news for you, regardless of your training or your experience or your education, there are others that can do your job. Many others. I know, I know, you don't want to hear that. In fact, you may decide I'm so "full of it" that you stop reading this and surf on over to the Huffington Post or your fantasy football league. That's okay, I'll take that chance. A warning: As you read these, you WILL say to yourself, "That's not me," or "I don't do that." You do. You really do. If you are a boss, you break at least two of the rules below and probably more. Admit it, face yourself and agree to change your bad habits. You, and your staff, will feel better for it. Oh, yeah, and you'll all be more productive.

Okay, here we go. The four rules that will make you a GREAT BOSS.


#1 - Stop with the meetings. You have too many. Most meetings are totally non-productive, unorganized and serve only to piss off your staff for taking them away from their actual work. Your meetings are mostly your attempt to get yourself organized. Stop it right now. Meetings are not, or shouldn't be, a place for you to impress your staff with your authority and ability to move around the room with graceful aplomb by asking everyone for updates or status reports that either you already know about or can be shared in another way.

#2 - Don't use the big "Boss Words." You know what they are: "Accountability" and "Responsibility." Besides you are probably using them incorrectly anyway. When your staff hears you use these words, all they really understand is that you are going to blame them if something goes wrong. Responsibility can be shared, accountability cannot. If you create an environment of trust and respect where hard work and collaboration is encouraged and allowed to grow, those words will never have to come out of your mouth.

#3 - Refrain from the easy hires. Don't hire (or keep) someone just because they seem to agree with you on everything. Ass-kissers can't be trusted. You've got the job already. YOU are the boss. Hire people that can contribute something NEW to your staff, department or business. Hire a rebel. (NOTE: I didn't say hire an idiot.) Sure, It might be uncomfortable for a while. You might have to learn how to deal with a new way of looking at things. You can handle it.

#4 - Be willing to learn from your staff. You are not omnipotent. You don't know everything.  As much as you would like to believe you are better than everyone else because you are their supervisor, it just ain't true. You staff is smart. They do actually care about what they do 8 or 10 hours a day. Believe it or not, they probably know more about certain aspects of the business than you. Watch Undercover Boss sometime then tell me bosses know everything.  Oh, here's the kicker: You may think listening to your staff -- actually LISTENING and considering their input -- makes you look weak or stupid or unqualified. It doesn't.
There you go. Now you are on your own. Oh, and these rules work in any business. Whether your a movie director or a CEO of a widget factory. Let me know they work out for you.

Next Rant: Don't Blame the Actor. This is where I spout off about what makes makes a movie good or bad and why most critics don't know what they are talking about.

Girl Scout Cookies and the Fall of Western Civilation

There always someone to blame. Or some company. Lately, we've been blaming Wall Street for everything bad about America. I blame the Girl Scouts.


There was a time when the whole idea behind the selling of Girl Scout Cookies was admirable and maybe even valuable. The Girl Scouts even have a little explanation on their website that talks about all the good things that can come about through the selling of over-priced cookies. 

The problem is, the program doesn't work that way any more. I cannot tell you the last time I actually bought Girl Scout Cookies from a Girl Scout. For over 15 years or so I have only purchased my delicious Samoas  from the PARENTS of said Girl Scouts. The parents bring the paperwork to their place of employment and, literally, just pass it around for their co-workers to commit to purchasing the cookies. Occasionally, (on rare occasion, I might add) the young ladies will deliver the purchases. More often than not, however, the moms or dads will just bring the boxes in to work and leave them on the appropriate desks.


How do these girls "practice useful life skills like planning, decision-making, and customer service" when Mom and Dad do all the work? The past few years or so, organizations like the Girls Scouts have been in  trouble. They, along with the Boy Scouts and other like minded youth organizations are fighting to remain relevant in a world. In fact, many youth based organizations are struggling to survive in the 21st century. From sports stalwarts like AYSO to the venerable scouting programs, membership numbers are plummeting.

Of course, I know the reason why. I also know the solution. Let me share the secret. Now, realize, the people running these programs will blame the membership retreat on technology, drugs, globalization, the media, and a host of other plaques that the world is facing now. You have head that video games and MySpace are the enemy. Complaints that cell phones and PDAs are contributing to the de-socialization of our children. Bull shit. 

The reason for the decline is two-fold: First, parents are doing all the work. Second, parent volunteers run the organizations and refuse to evolve with their children.

Proof is in the pudding to the first point by way of the cookie example. How can a young Girl Scout possibly benefit from the lessons, indeed the MISSION, of selling cookies if they don't actually do the work. Parents, listen up. You are not helping. In fact you are cutting the legs out of the program.  You are teaching your children that they don't have to actually in order to meet their quota. "If Mom and Dad sell enough cookies for me, I'll get my badge." (Don't even get me started on the whole every-child-should-get-a-prize-just-for-participating thing!)

The second part is the hardest to address because the volunteers will deny it. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you got. Parents, volunteers, administrators listen up: YOU must change the way you view the organization. YOU must allow it to grow beyond your historic perception of it. YOU must be the ones to let go of age old, tired, worn out ways and traditions. YOU must be willing to let the brand evolve with the times -- and yes, maybe even change the logo or the uniform or the rules to reflect that evolution. Remember, your logo is NOT your brand. YOU are not the organization. You may run the organization, but you are not the reason for it, the mission of it, the essence of it.

The solution? Give these all of these organizations back to the kids that define them. Allow the kids (the actual members in the title) the power to be mentors and teachers. Let them be the ones who are the ambassadors for the good things done, the events, the games, the lessons, the fun. The only way you do that is to give them ownership of the organization.

AYSO has been struggling with this for years. The volunteers who run the programs, from the National Board of Directors down, actually view themselves as the most important piece of the puzzle. All company communications are directed at the volunteers. All training is focused on the volunteers. The rules and regulations are so complicated and convoluted that growth cannot occur organically because there is some worn out belief that "the way we've always done it" is sacrosanct and cannot be tampered with. The result? Kids stop signing up. Oh, sure, there's a lot of smoke and mirrors as these volunteer groups dance around problems and run-in-place while they try to convince other volunteers they are trying to do something. but the results are obvious, your membership numbers are declining.

On the AYSO front, I speak as someone with some specific knowledge as I was it's director of marketing for several years. I've seen first hand the stagnation that comes from very well-intentioned adults failing to let go of traditions and policies that just don't work any more. Not because they are bad, but because the world has evolved and the organization has failed to change the way it pursues its mission. A mission statement isn't an end point. A mission is something you must always be in pursuit. You must always be trying to figure out new ways to fulfill it. Because it is always in front of you, you must adapt with the road. If it's bumpy, either fill the bumps or steer around them. If it's hilly, know when to accelerate and when to take your foot off the pedal.

As a consultant that deals with local chapters of many of these other youth-based organizations, I can also tell you, they all are facing these same troublesome times. The causes and solutions are the same. Give the Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts back to the girls and the boys. Give your local soccer and baseball leagues back to the kids. Let them have a say in how things are run, what the company looks like, what they want to hear and who they want to hear it from. You will be surprised at how smart, savvy and adaptable kids are. You'll also be surprised at how fast the membership slide will stop. You still have to help run the programs as volunteers. Just get your egos out of the way and understand that you volunteer for the kids not for your own personal and social satisfaction. Although, if you do your job right, with selflessness and humility, those will come. Empower the kids and thrust their judgement and your organization will grow. Yes, you may have to change a  logo, or a uniform, or an attitude. But the brand will remain stronger for it.

So, until I actually have a Girl Scout approach me to buy some cookies -- I'm just gonna have to learn to live without my Samoas.

The image is from http://ninethreestudio.com/

Customer Service - Marketplace Oxymoron.

My wife sent something via FedEx for her employer. FedEx. Overnight. Next day delivery. Expensive. Didn't get there when it was supposed to. Didn't get there when it was promised. Didn't get there even though her company paid for the service. Now, I totally understand that it's Christmas and there are lots of people sending things to a lot of people waiting for them. I don't even mind that things are late -- so long as a few things happen.

First, the company should apologize for the bad service. When Liz called FedEx, the "customer service representative" didn't apologize. At all. No remorse, no guilt, no nothing. All the person (somewhere in Bangalore, we suspect) could say, over and over, is that "the package was still on the ground" an had not left Los Angeles yet. No explanation. When press for details about re-delivery -- nothing. "The package is still on the ground" and has not been delivered. No promise of re-delivery. Nothing. Now, this person was very nice. They just couldn't get off script long enough to satisfy a disgruntled customer.

Second, the company should make the bad service or product right or refund the money. I mean, without the customer having to beg for it. If a company screws up, I expect them to voluntarily make good on their side of the bargain. They already have my money. Not asking too much. If I paid 20 bucks for overnight delivery and it doesn't get there overnight, give me some money back voluntarily and quickly and don't make me feel like I'm the one being mean or wrong or demanding. In effect we had a contract. You broke that contract. Make it right or give me my money back. Period.

Third, follow up to make sure I have been satisfied an the problem has been taken care of. In this day and age where every telemarketing company knows my phone number and every porn site can get access to my email, certainly a company with whom I do business and that has my credit card information and address can contact me.

Fourth, say thank you once in a while.

FedEx are the only ones at fault here. The lack of basic customer service is widespread. Time Warner Cable has very nice Customer Service Reps on the phone. They are very apologetic (see #2 above). However, it took EIGHT weeks to get a problem resolved with my cable service. Eight weeks and three technicians visiting my house later, I finally got ESPN back. No one followed up to see if everything was still alright. No one offered to adjust my bill. No one apologized for the inconvenience of having to rearrange my schedule so I could be home during the blocks of time necessary for the technician to come to my house. I'll bet a million dollars that if I stopped paying my bill for eight weeks my service would have been turned off faster than Brett Favre can sling a touchdown.

On the micro level, when was the last time you were actually thanked for shopping somewhere. Where you gave a clerk some money or swiped your credit card and they handed you change or your receipt with a pleasant "thanking you for shopping here, today." The printed * THANK YOU * on the receipt doesn't cut it. I want a real person to acknowledge my decision to spend money at that particular store.

Sometimes, just to get myself worked up into a lather, I will say "thank you" to the person who is taking my money. Just to see their reaction.  Inevitably, I get a reply like, "No problem," or "Sure," or "No worries." Maybe a "You're welcome." Like they did me a favor taking my money. Never a "Oh no, thank YOU."

Here's my New Year's resolution (well, one of them anyway): If I don't get a "thank you," I don't go back to the store. I will then follow up with a template email to the company HQ noting my action. This may seem petty, I agree, but we have to start somewhere. With all the hardship doled out this past year to regular people through the course of the recession, it is not too much to ask for businesses to compete for our hard earned money. Banks, grocery stores, espresso bars, gas stations, your on notice. Treat your customers like they matter or we'll find someone else who does.

Don't make me write Stephen Colbert.

Thank you for reading. Please come back.

TSA and Me

I travel a lot. In particular, I travel through one small airport more than than others. I mean -- SMALL airport. I am shocked that after 18 months of travel through this airport TWICE a month -- the TSA people there still do not recognize me. They certainly do not know my name.

True, I have a sizable ego and I love it when people recognize me. (The barista at my neighborhood Starbucks knows my name and I see her waaaaaay less than my TSA friends.) But this really isn't about me. I'm not angry that they don't know me. I'm just curious as to WHY they don't. In the wake of that TSA manual being leaked on the web this week, I just got to thinking, that's all. With all the talk about airline safety over the last nine years, shouldn't we be focused more on bad people instead of looking for makeshift weapons and frisking old ladies? I mean, REALLY?

Why wouldn't TSA officials be trained to observe people and notice behavior rather than just look at bags and stare into X-ray machines? Why wouldn't a TSA officer notice a person who comes through their station over and over and over? Now, for those TSA or government officials who happen upon this post, don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for trouble here. I'm just wondering why your employees wouldn't know my name by now. What is it they are trained to do exactly?

Behavior is something that can be observed and scrutinized. My acting students are trained to observe everything. Actors are taught to observe behavior and make characters out of their observations. Police are taught to read a scene, examine suspects, look for clues, sense a situation. What could make that man walking with a limp? Why is that woman carrying her purse that way? Psychologists have created a whole discipline out of studying behavior.

Personally, I do not feel safer when they pull a 70 year old man out of line to wand his titanium hip for 15 minutes. I do not feel safer because I have to take off my shoes and put them in a plastic bin...no, on the belt...no, in the bin. I do not feel safer because a woman was asked to remove her shirt thereby exposing her camisole because her blouse "looked like a jacket." I do not feel safer when airport security fast-tracks a family of five with more baggage than a dozen Sherpas on expedition up Mount Everest. In fact, I feel LESS safe because the time they are spending with Octo-mom and her brood should be spent surveying the whole environment of the airport for real bad guys NOT helping those who by virtue of their ability to pro-create to get the best seats in the waiting area at the gate.

I don't mind being inconvenienced in the name of safety. I just don't want the TSA pretending that they are doing something they are not. You wanna look in my briefcase? Fine. You wanna frisk the old man in the walker? Okay. Just once in a while look us in the eye and make us believe you are really there to find bad people. I mean, is 5 ounces of hair gel really that much more dangerous than 3.4?

The Falacy of Corporate Buy-In

Buy-in. Whoever thought up that term should be drawn and quartered. Those that continually toss it around their meeting rooms willy-nilly should be lashed by a pirate on steroids.

For years now the corporate world has been beset by the notions of "accountability" and "responsibility." Bosses demand that their underlings be accountable for their decisions and responsible for whatever fallout may occur. Any results that are positive the boss will take credit for but that's another rant entirely. So along comes some genius with the term "buy-in." All of a sudden, the two previous terms are rendered as impotent as a bull in a knife shop. But nobody realizes it. Those same bosses who demand accountability will defer to others in the name of getting their buy-in.

Why? Because they are afraid of making a mistake. They are looking for a chance to say, "Everyone signed-off on this so it's not my fault it sucks." And that sucks. And that is not fair. And that is not professional. AND that is not taking responsibilty.

I have a brother who is a track coach. He's a good track coach. He's been doing it a long time and knows all the tricks of the trade. He was a cross country runner himself, a duathlete, and has coached college level athletes for about 20 years. He has a Masters degree in something like Exercise Physiology or something equally cool sounding. So he knows how the body works and knows how to help people go fast by moving their legs. But now along comes "buy in."

So one day the Athletic Director says: "Hey, I noticed you were having your runners do some stretches. Why don't you ask the English Professors what they think about that?"

Or the President of the College says, "Hey, I noticed you were helping Johnny Jumphigh with his pole technique for his pole vault. Wouldn't it be great if you got the Archeology Department to weigh in on what kind of shoes he should wear? We wouldn't want them to feel left out."

Okay, just so my brother doesn't get fired let me say this is not a real example, but it makes the point. Buy should ALWAYS be general NOT specific. Conceptual NOT tangible.

People are hired in the corporate world to do a job. Conceivably, they have a knack or knowledge or experience that makes them an expert at something. Why then do coporate leaders not let them do their job? Why then do coporate leaders defer to others NOT qualified (or certainly less qualified) in that person's area of expertise to contribute to something they know nothing about?

I know many will think me blasphemous. Too bad. This is one concept that must stop. It stifles not only creativity but also productivity. Decision making by committee has its place -- occassionally. Not everything requires it, though.

-- If your Creative Department is making brochures, you don't need to confer with Accounting on the design.
-- If you are filming a commercial, you don't have ask HR if they like the choice of the music.
-- If your Marketing Department is writing copy for a print ad, you don't have to pass it around to your Corporate Meeting planner to get his thoughts on the grammer.

Corporate leaders take heed: Stop making every department run every decision by other departments because you are afraid or because you don't know what you are doing. Have some balls, do your job, let your staff do theirs. Make sure everyone knows this. Once people start getting the opportunity to offer their "buy-in" it is a VERY difficult process to stop.

Final thought: Leave your Marketing Departments alone. They are professionals and know more about marketing than your Finance Department ever will. Bust them if they over budget otherwise -- give them the credit they deserve. You hired them to do a job, let 'em do it.

Watkins, out!

Now even FOOD has me ranting!

This takes the cake! (Pun intended for later.) For years now I have been mildly PO'd at the fact that you can't buy a POUND of coffee any more. You can buy 13 ounces, you can buy 12 ounces, can't buy a pound. Really hard to find a POUND of bacon, too. But bacon is bad for you, so, okay no big deal. Next thing you know cereal boxes start to shrink. 15 ounces, 13 ounces, 11 ounces. Of course, the prices still remain the same, but apparently the manufacturers think that we are morons and won't notice that the boxes are getting smaller and the prices are getting bigger.

Now you 're probably wondering, "Wayne, where the hell have you been? This has been going on for a while now." I know this. I just haven't been bothered by it enough to actually engage in rant. But then two things happened to thrust the issue into the forefront of my very being. April 02nd happened. Followed by April 28th.

April 02, 2009: I'm buying tuna. Chicken of the Sea - Chunk Light. The kind you use with mayo to make a tuna sandwich. I haven't really paid much attention to tuna cans for years. They have always been the same shape, the same color the same 6 ounce size, I mean, since I was a kid! But something caught my eye. There on the front of the label under the logo as bold as you please: "5 ounces." Wait a minute! The can! The can is the same size! Now they are just putting less tuna in it! WTF? When did that happen? I check all the major brands. Same thing. 5 ounces. Okay, I'm feeling a little perturbed now. Thankfully I grab a can of the store brand, "Safeway Select," 6 ounces. Thank you, Safeway or Von's or whatever you are. 6 ounces of tuna. Okay, no biggie, from now on I'm buying the store brand. But then....

April 28, 2009. Just ran out of ice cream. Better go get some more. When I was younger (no, it wasn't THAT long ago either wise guy), you could buy a 2 quart container of ice cream. Then the manufacturers slid it down to 1.75 quarts. I missed that one so I didn't bother to complain. But now the ice cream containers look kinda funny. They look...small. 1.45 quarts! Here we go again! A couple weeks ago the tuna -- now the ice cream. Okay, fine, no problem, I shouldn't be eating ice cream anyway. Never gonna get to the Big Show on Kona (Ironman World Championships) by eating that stuff anyway. I know! I'll go get some yogurt! That's healthy. Low fat, tasty, sprinkled with a little granola it's probably even better for me. The hammer falls again.

Two in one day! The yogurt -- even the store brands -- are ALL 6 ounces. Down from 8 ounces. Come on! What kind of vast food conspiracy is this? I mean, I know things are bad, but, really? One ounce here, one ounce there. And when did it all go awry? Why weren't we told? Why didn't Andy Rooney do a thing on Sunday Morning? Why didn't 60 minutes have a expose? Hell, even the Local Los Angeles news didn't report on it and they are DYING for something interesting to put on the air. Barack, what's up? Screw the bank bailout, forget about replacing Judge Souter, who cares about Arlen Specter switching parties? We are talking TUNA and ICE CREAM here.

Oh, yeah, the cake thing? Apparently, cake mixes used to be 21 ounces. Now they are like 18. So Betty Crocker and Duncan Hines had to hire some match genius to recalculate all those cake mix formulas so they could rip us off to the tune of three ounces.

I'm either going to have to go on a hunger strike, make more money or find healthy alternatives for the conveniences I've come to know and hold so dear.

Hum. Get back to you.